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Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Quality Time


Friday, June 19, 2015

Shocking Catholic Pundit Survey

By: SCCB American Correspondent, Herb Green

Unnamed Catholic journalist working for the Catholic Register,
says he is "Definitely and unapologetically against injustice."
Des Moines, United States - A new survey of Catholic commentators is painting a surprising picture. The USCCB-commissioned study undertaken by Pew Research examined the opinions of leading American and Canadian Catholic bloggers, journalists and speakers.

Among the many surprising findings is that this group has turned out to be 100% against the shooting of innocent black people. Blogger, Mark Shea, said he had "especially strong feelings about this controversial issue."

It was likewise surprising that this group came out strongly against "blind environmental depredation," "violence against homosexuals," "clerical sexual abuse," and "letting people starve to death because you can't be bothered to get out of your taxi to give them some of your change."

"The findings are extraordinary!" said lead Pew researcher, Angus Spectacles. "It blew away many of our presuppositions."

"It just goes to show - yet again - that the bishops are completely out of step with the laity," said head 'Nun on the Bus,' Sister Simone Campbell, who was difficult to hear over the sound of the air-conditioning unit on the bus. "We nuns have been saying, for instance, that murder and random arrests are unjust. It seems that these people have finally started to listen to us."

"It takes courage to tell your Facebook followers that you are against police brutality, tornadoes and the pollution of Third World drinking water," added Mark Shea.

The study took three years to complete and cost the American bishops $7 million. Because of the cost overrun, the bishops' conference had to lay off thirteen lay workers, so as to eliminate any threat to its clerical pension fund.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

How to Pray More Environmentally Sensitively

By: SCCB French Correspondent Henri Embecile



Chopeque, QC - The air is going to get a little clearer Monday nights at the St. Hyacinth du Petis Pond rosary meetings.

To mark the release of Pope Francis' environmental encyclical, the rosary group has decided to wear training masks while it prays.

The masks are designed to mimic training at high altitudes, and, as such, restrict the flow of oxygen, so as to strengthen the lungs, thereby giving athletes optimal pulmonary conditioning.

"Pope Francis is calling us to be more environmentally sensitive. Since the Church is about prayer, we naturally ask, what can people who pray do to save the environment? The answer is obvious: use less oxygen," said prayer group leader, Stefan DuBrumiliare. "Less oxygen used means less CO2 produced. It's as simple as that!"

Some of the group is very excited. Claire Routundar, said that she will just keep her mask on after her Monday night yoga class.
Mme Routundar is very excited about the changes to the prayer group.

Other have their misgivings. Eighty-three year old, Helene Monard, stated that she has enough trouble breathing as it is, "And besides, I can barely hear the prayers through those things!"

"Yes, there will be costs to being more environmentally sensitive," said DuBrumiliare. "But this is the only world we have. We can't hope to get another one. People often act as if we can just get another world when this one passes away. That's not very Christian! Pope Francis is making that very obvious to all of us."

"If their was nothing the rosary group could do in response, why would the pope even write such an encyclical?"

Friday, June 12, 2015

Chesterton: Patronage Designation Announced

By: Carlo Guidowendo, SCCB Italy



Vatican City - Angelo Cardinal Amato, Prefect of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, has made an announcement that is bound to excite many English-speaking Catholics.

In the Vatican press room Amato stated that "If the great English apologist is ever elevated to the altar, the Congregation agreed that he would be designated as 'Patron Saint of those with Modest Ambitions.'"

The prefect stated that the designation in no way guarantees a successful outcome for Chesterton's cause, but that it does speak to the great interest of the Church and of the faithful in his life, and of the great importance of that "under-served segment of members of the Church today: men with humble intellectual aspirations - especially those who aren't all that much into asceticism."

"Who is there to carry our prayers to heaven now?" asked Joe Ryan, President of the G. K. Chesterton Drinking and Cigar Aficionado Club at the University of St. Thomas. "Who are we supposed to make a novena to when we want to - someday - eventually fit into a size 48 extra-wide jacket? To whom are we to pray to intercede for us for the grace to go between meals without snacking? And, to whom ought we to pray to help us get into MA programs at middle-ranked Catholic colleges?"

"There are lots of saints for those with high aspirations - like St. Francis of Assisi and St. Thomas Aquinas. But what if you don't want to really aim that high? Let's be honest, how many Francises and Aquinases are there, anyway? I mean, come down to earth, people!" Ryan added.

Ryan indicated that the Chesteron Drinking and Cigar Club would be celebrating the Vatican announcement with brandy and cigars, "And, of course, our traditional pizza-eating contest - but meatless pizza, since it's Friday," he added.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Unprecedented Hire for Catholic Organization

By: SCCB Staff 


Employees of the Catholic charity react to news of hire.

Toronto, Canada - The Catholic Generosity Sharing Fund (CGSF) announced that it has hired its "first Catholic, no, I mean real Catholic-Catholic," in a press release today.

Michael Fitzmyer has been hired as acting undersecretary of sealing envelopes at the CGSF. While Fitzmyer is characteristically taciturn, his mother took to the web to announce the good news. "Who knew that wearing a scapular would pay off one day? Michael - that's who! Suck it libs!"

The unprecedented step was particularly shocking after a spate of scandals rocked Catholic organizations over the world in recent weeks where it was rumored that some "mildly traditional Catholics" had been working for bishops' conferences in Canada, the United States and Germany.

But not all are happy about Fitzmyer's hire. "What if his scapular gets caught in the elevator door? Did any one think of that?" said Beth Cootie, General Secretary of the Austrian Bishop's Conference.

"I even hear he has children," said Tyler Lillard who works at CGSF head office, "He's not going to bring them around here, is he?"

Sean Douglas, CEO of Catholic Contraception Fund, said that, "There are so many issues a hire like this brings up. Is he going to start insisting that CGSF invest in organizations that reflect Catholic social teaching? Is he going to want a day off at Easter? Will he even participate in the CGSF's Wicca lunchtime workshops? What if he hangs up a picture of an oppressed woman, like Therese Martin, in his work space? What will the female employees think of that?" 

Cardinal Jimmy "Good-Times" Rands, Archbishop of Mississauga where the Fitzmyers live, told SCCB that he would not like to comment on such a controversial issue, "which is still developing."