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Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Pope's Lenten Intentions

By: Carlo Guidowendo, SCCB Italy



Vatican City - In a move that has some Vatican-watchers wondering about the pope's mental condition as he approaches the end of his second year as Supreme Pontiff, Pope Francis has released an unusual list of prayers.

"Certainly, we are seeing a different side of the Pope," said well-known Vatican reporter, John Allen Jr.

As expected, the list includes the standard prayers for world leaders and ending world hunger, but it also includes a number of unusual petitions, such as "that the cardinals would stop assuming that I don't read the news and so realize that I totally know what they say about me."

Another surprising intention is formulated, "That homosexuals would figure out that in the field hospital analogy, they are the patients, not the doctors."

A few other notable intentions:

"That ISIS would give me time to straighten out the College first before the next conclave."

"That Putin and Fernández de Kirchner would come clean about their assassinations before Easter."

"That somehow Kasper and Burke would be involved in the same head-on car collision."

"That Notre Dame would just stop it, just stop it!" (This one is said to have been thrown in as a favor to the Pope Emeritus.)

"That people would learn how to take a joke sometimes about the things I say."

The pope has ordered the prayers to be said in all the Catholic Churches of the world from Laetare Sunday to Easter Sunday.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Archbishop too Catholic

By: SCCB Staff



These girls are pretty sure they are doing something about stuff.
Breast cancer, colitis, or global warming, possibly?  
San Francisco, United States - Although the Church in ultra-liberal San Francisco is not unfamiliar with tension, things seem to have reached a fever-pitch with Archbishop Cordelione in recent weeks.

The bishop is under fire from some Catholic employees for his insistence on incorporating and enforcing certain Catholic identity clauses into the contracts of Archdiocesan employees.

Jake Ryans has worked for various Catholic schools in the diocese over the years and says that, "This is the first I've heard about the Catholic schools being Catholic. I mean, how would Pope Francis feel if he knew that Catholic schools were being Catholic? How Catholic is that?"

"I have taught all sorts of subjects in some of the schools here. I taught religion at Precious Blood of Christ School, I taught Catholic Ethics at Holy and Efficacious Divine Mercy School, and I taught Catholicism in the Modern World at the Sacred Wounds of Christ School. I have even taught Catholic history at No Salvation Outside the Church School, and I have never, ever considered myself a Catholic teacher. And now this all of a sudden! It makes no sense."

Another diocesan employee echoes Ryans' sentiment. Jill Anderson works in the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Diocesan Center downtown and states that "The recent closed-minded approach of Cordelione stands in blatant contrast to everything I do in my job here." Anderson is the Director of Catholic Faith and Life for the Archdiocese.

"What's next? I suppose he will want me to take down the statue of Shiva I put up in the chapel here!"

School attendee, Melanie DuCharm (pictured above), said that she hopes that "the Bishop will change his mind and become more tolerant about breast cancer."

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Basilian Order Defends Tweeter

By: SCCB Staff


Fr. James Thompson,
Director General of the Basilian Fathers

Toronto, Canada - In an exclusive interview with SCCB, Director General of the Basilian Order, James 'Little Basil' Thompson, said that the order "one-hundred percent supports Fr. Timothy Scott."

It had been widely reported that Scott had been relieved of his position as spokesman for the order as a consequence of his profane tweet about Cardinal Burke. In fact, the Basilians now report that Scott's position had expired in the summer and not because of the tweet.

When SCCB asked Thompson about this, the director said, "There is no [expletive] way we would do such a thing to an esteemed member of the congregation."

"Sure, what Scott did was [expletive] stupid. Scott obviously had his [expletive] up his [expletive] when he said that, but [expletive] - who doesn't do stupid [expletive] [expletive] every once in a while?"

Fr. Thompson said that the order has learned a great deal from the whole experience and he is personally touched for how much support from the order has been given to Fr. Scott.

"I think [expletive] Saint Basil is looking down from [expletive] heaven right now with great [expletive] pride."

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Anglican Ordinariate Sends Letter

By: SCCB Staff


Ypsilanti, United States - SCCB has recently come across a document that, because of recent instances of mail fraud in the Vatican City State, had been hand-delivered to cardinals and other key members of the Roman Curia.

The note originated from the Personal Ordinariate of the Chair of St. Peter, the ecclesial entity that oversees the Anglo-Catholic Rite in North America, and was signed by a Fr. Greg Carruthers. So far Carruthers has not been identified.

The note was dated November 4th, 2014, and addresses the fall-out of the Extraordinary Synod on the Family that had then recently concluded. We include excerpts of it here:

"If you pull a Henry VIII on the Church, Your Eminences, we will totally be asking for our money back. We didn't go through all these shenanigans just to end up back at square one..."

"When we talked to Benedict he assured us that the Holy Catholic Church had its *&%^! [stuff] together..."

"If we wanted to be led by human beings following the trends of the times we would have stayed in the C of A... at least they have good music: i.e., no guitars."

"just like the buck-toothed ninnies running around Canterbury, only wearing red..."

"treat sacred doctrine like cauliflower at a pot-luck..."

"...the German idiot..."

"...the one who smells like feet..."

"...an ego the size of Burke's robes..."

"...considers marriage to be as important as the bits of roast beef he picks out of his teeth..."

"We just changed the bloody sign outside of the church. Who is going to pay for that? And, do you know how tired the greeters at the back of the church are with asking the people who come in what they expect to find at this church?"

Many cardinals are said to have been 'deeply moved' by the Ordinariate's concerns, although Cardinal Kasper was heard to say, "Anglicans should not tell us too much what we have to do."

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Saint John Diocese Priest-less Future

By: SCCB Staff


Bishop Paul is pictured somewhere here.

Saint John, Canada - The Catholic Church in the great old New Brunswick Loyalist city has accomplished there what the great Protestant British Empire never could: a future without Papist priests.

The bishop of the diocese, Dirk Paul, made the announcement to an excited crowd of middle-aged and older diocesan workers - all women - that "we have truly moved into the Church promised by Vatican II - a Church of the lay people, the real people of God."

When asked what lay behind this particular form of success, the bishop said that it was "a culmination of several important trends, or should I say, actions of the Spirit. For one, we really encouraged the enrolling of effeminate men into the priesthood over the last generation. One of our priests even lives with his boyfriend, I'm told. How great is that! Obviously, men like this are utterly incapable of inspiring faithful Catholic boys and young men to the heights of priestly sanctity."

"Second, the formation of our seminarians was ecumenical in spirit. Third, we never encouraged fanatical Catholic groups in the diocese, like CCO, NET, Theology of the Body workshops, or good marriage or sacramental prep., you know, that kind of thing. Fourthly, we emphasized again and again that there is no difference between the lay calling and the priestly one."

Humbly, the bishop refused to take too much credit for 'this glorious new age of no seminarians.' He praised the 'strong homosexual cabal' in the diocese's priesthood as being particularly committed to a change of priorities in the local church.

One of the lay-workers at the diocesan offices, Martha Neil-Brown-McPhee-Dupont, had this to say: "The most important thing is to just go through the motions, year after year, decade after decade. Many of us have been holding our positions here at the diocese for twenty, even thirty years. What do we do? Who even knows!"

But not everyone in the diocese is equally enthusiastic about a declining priesthood. Georgette Smith, who is the principal of a small Catholic school that gathers in the basement of an old abandoned building, and huddles around a single candle for light and heat, seems to be one of those old-fashioned critics identified by the bishop.

"Now I can only pray that a great tidal wave washes in from the Bay of Fundy, like in the days of Noah," she said.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Saints who Sued

By: SCCB Staff




Halifax, Canada - As a part of her confirmation program, Bethany Hills is writing a report on 'Saints who Sued.'

Bethany, a fourteen-year-old academic-achiever at St. Thomas Aquinas Church in the city, said that the essay is supposed to be about some aspect of the lives of the saints. Because her dad is a lawyer, she decided to focus on this aspect.

"I had originally thought that there would be a lot of material. I had heard about St. Thomas More, who is the patron saint of lawyers, but you know, he died. So there wasn't anything to work with there. And then I saw the movie "A Man for All Seasons," and despite being a lawyer it seems like suing wasn't really his thing."

The young lady said that she has learned a great deal, but the research has not yielded what she thought it would.

"I can't quite understand why I can't find any saints who sued, but I am sure that I will eventually find some stuff."

Bethany indicated that when she looked in the Bible Jesus didn't have much nice to say about lawyers. The Apostle Paul likewise seemed to indicate that believers shouldn't take their problems before secular judges.

"But it's weird because I heard about this priest who sues. He must have gotten that idea from somewhere."

"I have this big chart divided up by the centuries and I planned on putting all the saints who sued people from those centuries in it, but so far all the slots are blank! It's like I have done no work at all!"

Friday, February 20, 2015

New 'Suing Gospel' Uncovered






Tel Aviv, Israel - The Don Mills Catholic Archaeological Society has just announced a momentous discovery: a previously unknown third century document the group is calling "The Suing Gospel."

Jeff Geoffreys, the head of the Archaeological Society, said that they have called it "The Suing Gospel," because of the particular manner in which it radically recasts the original story-line of the apostolic Gospels. Like the recently uncovered Gospel of Judas, it diverges widely from the four canonical Gospels accepted by the Christian churches.

"In fact," said Geoffreys, "In this gospel, Jesus is not crucified at all. He is taken to court by the descendants of King David for falsely claiming to be the "Son of David." He loses the initial litigation, which is held in front of King Herod, and then three days later files a counter-suit in front of Pilate, which he wins."

The whole thing seems to hinge on Peter, actually. Judas, it turns out, is one of the members of the jury that finds Jesus guilty. Yes, he is paid off by the plaintiffs, and, yes, it is with thirty pieces of silver. Everything changes, however, when Peter finally gets up the courage to speak up for Jesus after having denied his heredity claim three times. Peter is depicted as some kind of ancient genealogist, it appears.

Salt n' Lite, the Canadian Catholic media company is said to be very interested in buying the rights to the story.

"I'm not saying it's an authentic gospel or anything, but it is strangely compelling isn't it? We might even call it a kind of edifying tale about how we are to live our lives as Christians," said Salt n' Lite CEO, Tommy Rose.

"Now that we got rid of all that foolishness about turning the other cheek."