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Thursday, January 15, 2015

Cardinal Tries to Return Outfit

Carlo Guidowendo, SCCB Italy      January 15, 2015

Vatican City - Cardinal-elect, John Fitzroy, spent the weekend reading up on cardinals in preparation for his big day in February when he and nineteen other men would be raised to the exalted office.

"I spent like the whole weekend on Wikipedia," he said in an interview with SCCB in front of the locked gate at the Vatican on a rainy night. "And now I just want to unload this thing," he said pointing to what he said was the cardinal's outfit in the paper bag he was carrying.

Fitzroy, a priest who works as a researcher at the Ecumenical Biblical Institute in Bonn, Germany, said that he was curious about what a cardinal really is after receiving word of his appointment by Pope Francis. "I mean, we have all seen the Borgias and the Thorn Birds, but what is a cardinal, really? I wondered." 

The soft spoken, diminutive Englishman stated that he hasn't even celebrated mass in a few years, "I've just been too busy with my research for all of that." His research is focused on third millennium BC Sumerian enchantment texts.

But he said it was the meaning of the red robes that got him "all upset." The red, he said, is meant to symbolize the cardinal's commitment - even to the point of shedding one's blood. "What if they want to send me somewhere dangerous, like Nigeria, or the Middle East, or Paris?"

"Sure," he added, "Dolan and McCarrick said that the bit about shedding blood was merely symbolic and that, personally, they had never paid it any mind. Dolan even added that being a cardinal is cool because you get to be in parades 'n stuff."

Nevertheless, Fitzroy was determined to return the outfit, accompanied by a note of 'best regards and cheers.'

After knocking for a good twenty minutes late Sunday evening on a door near the Vatican, an old monsignor appeared and, though with a rather puzzled look on his face, received the package and said that he would give it to the pope. Fitzroy then shuffled off hurriedly into the Roman night, glancing behind him periodically with a worried look on his face.

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