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Thursday, January 29, 2015

End of Summa Found

By: SCCB Staff

Manuscript of completed Summa Theologica, c. 1274,
found in St. Bonaventure's sock drawer.

Burlington, Canada - Yesterday, as Roman Catholics celebrated his feast day, nearly 741 years after his death, it was announced that a completed version of St. Thomas Aquinas' famous Summa Theologica has been found.

The National Center for Thomistic and Astrophysical Research in Ontario made the surprise announcement to a gathering of old men - mostly retired Jesuits, along with a few Dominicans and one grad student trying hard not to look out of place.

It had long been thought that Aquinas died before he could finish his final theological masterpiece, which was why his secretary simply made up for the shortfall by appending to it the relevant parts of his earlier Commentary on the Sentences of Peter Lombard.

We know now that he had written the ending, which had, evidently, been hidden away by his jealous rival, St. Bonaventure. The Franciscan Director General was to die just a few months after Aquinas. Until now it seemed the completed Summa was fated to die with him.

According to the president of the research center, the biggest surprise in the newly discovered ending was that it does not discuss heaven, hell and judgment at all, as would be expected, but, rather, offers some relativistic observations about the world's religions, marriage and sex. For instance, in one part Aquinas observes that "Religions are just what you make of them; they have no inherent excellence. Even no religion at all can be good."

On the subject of marriage, he observes, "Don't be hasty in making judgments about the life of virtue. If you make a wrong decision about your life partner, try, try again."

Likewise, regarding sex, he says, "Hey, whatever happens when the lights are down low, God don't wanna know."


  1. Apparently, Kardinal Wally Casper , some unheard of Germen Bishop, is said to be re-translating the actual Summa. Apparently, the word "mercy" will take on a much more prominent place, in the new and improved translation. The Germen Bishop feels that St Thomas's Summa needed to have a more modern, inoffensive "feel" to it, to properly reach the people. :-)
    This is actually therapeutic lol

  2. Yes, St. Thomas should definitely be made to fit fleeting values...

  3. This is hilarious, it had me laughing out loud. Love it!