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Saturday, January 17, 2015

Pope Condemns Gay Marriage-ish

By: SCCB Staff         January 17, 2015

Pope and Cardinal pushing traditional marriage during Far East tour.

Manila, Philippines - The headlines were clear, the reasoning rich, readers indebted and well-informed.

Not everyone knows how to read a papal statement like veteran vaticanist, John Allen, Jr. "This is why we need actual reporters who know their craft," said an NYT editorial. "Who knew that such a general phrase like 'the ideological colonization of marriage' was the pope coming out clearly against gay marriage and divorce and remarriage? Now we know."

Of equal quality was the title affixed to Whispers in the Loggia writer's, Rocco Palmo's, article by NewAdvent. Although Palmo neither mentions the word 'gay' nor 'homosexual' in his article in the context of the pope's comments on 'ideology,' Kevin Knight, host of the Catholic mega-site, NewAdvent, was able to discern the clues and thusly changed Palmo's original title, "'Protect Your Families!' - Francis on the Domestic 'Dream'... And Its 'Ideological Colonization'" into "'Protect Your Families': Pope Warns Against Contraception and Same-Sex Marriage."

Palmo was said to be grateful to Knight for clearing up the confusion.

"And, no, that's not the sign of the devil or a secret Freemason signal that the pope is making with Cardinal Tagle. That is the age-old Christian symbol that marriage is between one man and one woman," said National Catholic Register blogger, Mark Chea. "Proving that all along Pope Francis has been a very clear and straight-forward teacher of the Faith."

Other Catholic reporters have added the following cipher for papal statements for laymen:

  • "good morning" means "St. Thomas Aquinas is necessary for salvation." 
  • "youth unemployment is the greatest tragedy in the world today," means "the Inquisition needs to be re-established." 
  • "I like the tango," means "commence bombing on Beijing."
  • "I am going to be shaking things up in the Vatican" means "I am highly respectful of everything Benedict XVI has done."
  • "The curia is full of ambition and sinful pride" means "We all have our bad days." 

Both CNN and Bloomberg have indicated that they will be hiring experts on Vatican-speak in the near-future to clear up confusions like these.

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