|Medieval version of the wheel used in selecting cardinals.|
Vatican City - In light of the less-than-stellar showing from several cardinals in the last few years, revered Pope Emeritus Benedict confesses to a papal secret: they sometimes choose cardinals with the spin of a wheel.
The confession was made following some bizarre actions from the Sacred College of late - one cardinal referring to people actually interested in the Catholic tradition as proto-terrorists, a whole slew of cardinals being unaware of the Church's teaching on the indissolubility of marriage, another advising the Church not to listen to Africans.
While some of the bizarre picks can be pinned on Pope Francis, conservatives have had to admit that some of them were made during the now cherished time of Pope Benedict.
The Pope Emeritus admitted that "these days, the Wheel of Cardinals is pretty much only used when we need a German."
The Pope who is well-known for his love of tradition, said that this method was first brought in to avoid bloodshed when the 'prize' of the red hat was being divvied up among the great families of Italy - the Estes, the Pforzas, the Collonnas, the Medici, and so on.
"I decided to bring it back when John Paul and I looked out there one day and realized that the best contender for the dignity by far was Schonborn - Schonborn! It was my way of letting the newly elected German cardinals know that they were just seat-fillers and that I in no way respected them. If I could have chosen a horse instead of them, like Emperor Caligula did, I would have. And I told them that right off. I gave the crying room a whole new meaning!"
"Okay, so this confession of mine might make me look bad, but, come on, it took you people this long to figure out that something was up? I mean Marx people - Marx!"
The Pope Emeritus hastened to add that not all the 'hilarity' can be traced back to the Wheel. "You have to take into account senility too," he added.