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Thursday, June 4, 2015

Unprecedented Hire for Catholic Organization

By: SCCB Staff 

Employees of the Catholic charity react to news of hire.

Toronto, Canada - The Catholic Generosity Sharing Fund (CGSF) announced that it has hired its "first Catholic, no, I mean real Catholic-Catholic," in a press release today.

Michael Fitzmyer has been hired as acting undersecretary of sealing envelopes at the CGSF. While Fitzmyer is characteristically taciturn, his mother took to the web to announce the good news. "Who knew that wearing a scapular would pay off one day? Michael - that's who! Suck it libs!"

The unprecedented step was particularly shocking after a spate of scandals rocked Catholic organizations over the world in recent weeks where it was rumored that some "mildly traditional Catholics" had been working for bishops' conferences in Canada, the United States and Germany.

But not all are happy about Fitzmyer's hire. "What if his scapular gets caught in the elevator door? Did any one think of that?" said Beth Cootie, General Secretary of the Austrian Bishop's Conference.

"I even hear he has children," said Tyler Lillard who works at CGSF head office, "He's not going to bring them around here, is he?"

Sean Douglas, CEO of Catholic Contraception Fund, said that, "There are so many issues a hire like this brings up. Is he going to start insisting that CGSF invest in organizations that reflect Catholic social teaching? Is he going to want a day off at Easter? Will he even participate in the CGSF's Wicca lunchtime workshops? What if he hangs up a picture of an oppressed woman, like Therese Martin, in his work space? What will the female employees think of that?" 

Cardinal Jimmy "Good-Times" Rands, Archbishop of Mississauga where the Fitzmyers live, told SCCB that he would not like to comment on such a controversial issue, "which is still developing."

1 comment:

  1. Lol! Another hit of your finest satire! Thanks!