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Thursday, September 24, 2015

CCCB Policies Prompt Massive Conversions

By: SCCB Staff

Ottawa, Canada - With the close of last week's plenary meeting of the Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops an unprecedented upsurge of interest in the Catholic Church has begun to be felt across the world.

"Phones have been ringing off the hook in every rectory in the world," said Special Undersecretary in Charge of Insurance Policies for the CCCB, Fr. Mark Jurring. "It's driving pastors crazy."

Eighty-year-old, Fr. Rick Drango, who oversees St. Mark's Mission about three hundred kilometers north of Saskatoon said, "It's near impossible to get a good twelve hours sleep anymore since that darn council ended."

The CCCB passed measures on a whole host of matters from the mundane, like what kind of printers to buy for the Ottawa head office - they went with HPs - to the sublime, like how many letters they should write against fracking and whether they first draft a letter to the UN about the rights of all people to clean drinking water or to education. They went with the water one.

Most of the September 14-18 meeting was devoted to spirited bilingual speeches on issues like inclusion and on non-exclusion, "But there was lots of time," said Bishop Pringo of Halifax-Dartmouth-Bedford-Sackville-East Chezzetcook in Nova Scotia, "For coming together and sharing our stories, our stories of learning faith from the priestly people."

"And there was lots of time for tweeting encouraging messages to the faithful on our Blackberries and iPhones," said CCCB General Secretary, Dwayne Trudeau, who says he himself has close to eight million followers on Twitter.

Canadian celebrity, Chad Heartcrusher, said
he attended every single meeting of the
Plenary in his Numby t-shirt 
Former arch-Calvinist, George Landy of Waterloo, has just this Monday enrolled himself in the RCIA program. "I had grown up believing that the Catholic Church was the anti-Christ, but when I heard about the details of their 2015-16 fiscal plan I was blown-away. Truly, this is the Body of Christ, I realized!"

When asked about the news from up north, Pope Francis said with a distinctly wistful tone, "If I had known about the CCCB Plenary, I would not have bothered with my trip."

Indeed, the number-one seller on Amazon is now the Salt and Light special edition t-shirts called 'The Heroes of Plenary 2015.' Because of his breathtaking speech on enviro-friendly sanctuary lighting, Bishop Gerry Numby's t-shirt is said to be especially sought-after.

1 comment:

  1. As an educator I am hurt that they chose water over education. I mean, how can people learn how to drink water without first being educated about it?

    Oh my, this might be your funniest one to date!