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Monday, September 7, 2015

CCO: Huh, We're Protestant After All?

SCCB Ottawa Correspondent, Deborah Japingpong

Ottawa, Canada - Catholic Christian Outreach, the university apostolate cult that has a presence on several Canadian campuses was forced into a startling realization after accusations led to some soul-searching at the organization's latest board meeting.

"If it quacks like a duck, it's a duck, or, possibly, it's Mel Blanc," said curmudgeonly Canadian blogger, Calvin Coor. "If they sing like Protestants, you know 'I just want to praise you...', 'I just want to this and that...,' 'I... I...I...' If they operate from a Protestant play-book... I mean, what kind of conclusion can you draw?"

"Do you know, the word 'I' has not appeared in any Catholic hymn for over eighteen hundred years?" Coor added, "but everyone of their songs has it as the first word?"

CCO critic blogger, Calvin Coor
Coor has been blogging at thetheologyofdude, since 2010 and has become known to the Canadian Catholic establishment as a pretty benign source of self-pity masquerading as theological insight.

When SCCB asked about the hymn discrepancy, Coor answered, "Catholics believed in that the essential focal point of salvation - the thing saved - is the Church. Protestants believe it is the individual."

"While Coor may be technically correct, said long-time supporter of CCO, Ottawa Archbishop, Teddy Gast, "The kids are really groovin' in the spirit. That was always good enough for me."

Nevertheless, CCO has come to a few realizations. "We should have realized something when we started telling everyone that it was more important to be called 'Christian' than 'Catholic.' We should have realized something when we started asking everyone if they were saved and if they had a personal relationship with Jesus. We should have realized something when our presenters all started talking like they were from Tennessee. And, surely, we should have realized something when we all started to get our teeth polished," said CCO President Martin Haggee.

"But it was not all that obvious," said Billy-Jean Graham, who used to be a CCO member at Carlton University in Ottawa. "For instance, we had eucharistic adoration all the time. Of course, it was in the midst of ear-crushingly loud praise and worship music, and eye-blinding flashing lights, where there was a lot of swaying and hand-holding."

"And we had confession. Sure, it was confession of the individual directly to God, with the help of the team leader," Graham added, "but still it was confession - of a sorts."
CCO-hosted late-night adoration at the University of Ottawa

"No, we never talked about things like contraception, and our CCO alumni have on average 1.5 kids, but many of them are still active in their parishes, you know, as music leaders," added Haggee, who now attends the First Calvary Adventist Christian Second Reformed Church of Discipleship.

When SCCB News asked Calvin Coor what he thought should be put in place of CCO, he said, "Lots of Gregorian chant and some shame-inducing talks on sin."

When asked what he thought the future of youth ministry looked like in light of this new realization, Archbishop Gast said, "I think we need a more serious, old-fashioned approach. That is why I am reaching out to NET and to the Companions of the Cross."


  1. lololoL! Oh man you are too funny Colin! Your Bishop would be real proud of you writing this stuff.

    1. Pride might begin to describe it!

    2. I gotta know if Deborah Gyapong will take it well too :-).

    3. In addition to being a very fine journalist, she has a wonderful sense of humour!

  2. You're hilarious. That picture of adoration makes me think that the next step will be to transition to Michael Jackson's Thriller!